Before I begin, I went back and forth about whether to even post this. I haven’t yet had time to navigate what level of personal development or journey I want to share. But ultimately, even though this is an entry about coping with sadness and maybe you might be more interested to know about my “exciting adventures” abroad, I decided that ups and downs will be part of my journey, and both deserve reflection.
Growing up in the US with most of my family in India, I’ve become used to the notion of missing out on happy and sad moments that may come up during the 11 months of the year that we aren’t back in India. I understand that sometimes I’ll just have to send my good wishes instead of participating in celebrations and that sometimes I may have to send my prayers and grieve from afar. But to have left the US and soon after miss the death of a dear family friend / uncle at home in Seattle, feels unreal.
Being someone who thrives off of exploring new places and wants to work on global issues, I know I have to handle being far away from many people I love. Technology makes this distance easier than it used to be, and the ability to communicate with the people I miss is certainly a comforting feeling. Ordinarily, I am learning to balance being present with the fantastic people I am meeting and working with while also keeping in touch with the people I hold close in my heart. But sometimes, when things aren’t out of the ordinary, it can feel heart-wrenching to be so far away.
This morning, I received a message and a few phone calls from my mother, informing me that Ashok Uncle (see the photo) had passed away. Writing these words, brings back the tears that have come and gone since morning. I just wanted to be there, to hug my parents, and especially to hug Vasu Aunty (also in the photo).
Ashok Uncle has battled countless health problems and has spent months of his life in hospitals, just in the past few years. But he always bounced back and his spirits were always high. Those hospital visits were always just low-points; things would get better. Through all his pain and suffering, he would go on cracking jokes and telling stories. As an engineer himself, he always expressed a keen interest in my endeavors and we always managed to share a few moments chatting and laughing to ourselves, even at big family gatherings. Ashok Uncle and Vasu Aunty have been such important people in my life growing up and I am so blessed to have such loving, caring, and unbelievably supportive people to look up to.
in the thick of this sad news, I find myself so thankful to have shared such a wonderful last memory with Ashok Uncle. Before I left, my parents and I went and visited him, after he had come home and was recovering from another scary episode in the hospital. Even though he was hooked up to an oxygen tank, he eagerly wanted to learn more about my trip to East Africa earlier in the summer. We all shared lots of laughter and stories, and he sent me off onto this journey with great blessings and all his love and encouragement. And I will carry this special farewell with me forever. I will also cherish this photo, my last with him.
As shocking as it is to lose a loved one suddenly and as sad as it is to not be there to grieve and celebrate his life as a family, my love and my memories of him are strong. There is no denying that having tears stream down your face while you’re on the other side of the planet can feel a bit lonely. But I know being out here is who I am and who I want to be. So for now, I will be patient. And when the time comes, I will give those hugs, and be there, in person, to show my love.