Rebuilding

A mini team reunion and digital-nomading in Portugal. Long-awaited quality time with my best friend. Proper time off from work for the first time in years, and holidays with loved ones. Opportunities to spend time outdoors, adventure, and be present with people and in places that took my breath away. All told, I finally started to feel whole again. Through putting some pieces back together, I not only found relief but also started to understand the coping mechanisms I built and gained compassion for the months of unlearning and relearning required to break them down.

Life in isolation didn’t incapacitate me, but it did infiltrate all aspects of life. I worked hard, not only because our mission gave me purpose but also because my teammates were often the only people who knew if I got out of bed that day, so digital contact with them gave me stability. I kept up with home workouts but struggled with how I felt and looked. I binged cheesy movies with feel-good endings, so I could fill my emptiness with the characters’ emotions and relationships. I had a couple bursts of creativity which I channeled into two paintings, but otherwise I felt too uninspired to even turn on music. I barely tasted my food as I ate meals curled into the corner of the couch, lost in my laptop. I settled into being completely self-reliant, but I also fantasized about someone being there for me when I was sick or simply offering to make me a cup of coffee. I started to wonder if isolation would become the only way I knew how to live, if I had lost the chance to bring companionship and close connection into my life. 

As I came out of isolation, losing these physical and mental habits from my covid journey took time. For a long while, I still faced the desperate urge to retreat to a couch and eat while watching TV, even after eating a normal meal out. It was like the day couldn’t end without that ritual of escapism. And when possibilities to leave the house became available, I’d push myself out only to then retreat inwards to spend hours hidden away in the safety and predictability of my own space, even if that time alone wasn’t restorative. I’d visit family and friends but be so stressed about ensuring my weird work schedule (and my presence) wasn’t a burden that I’d ultimately still feel a million miles away. From the superficial to the existential and everything in between, I was just going through the motions of things my brain knew I should enjoy, hoping that sooner or later the real feelings would set in. Thankfully, pushing myself to get on the plane to Portugal created the perfect conditions to break down the walls I was stuck behind and emerge into the world again. 

Lisbon was magical, vibrant, and chaotic in all the best ways. From the moment two of my friends/teammates picked me up from the airport, I was transported back to the early Okra days of non-stop banter, laughter, and boundless energy. Their carefree thrill for life swept me up, and I was completely at ease despite having no plans and no idea where life was heading. 

Then came the beauty of the city, doing its part to draw me out of my shell. For the first time in I don’t know how long, I was so charmed by my surroundings that I was almost giddy trying to soak it all in. The intricately tiled roads, walls, and roofs; the glorious weather; the hills that made for stunning viewpoints, great exercise, and gave such depth to the horizon; the cutest outdoor cafes, plazas, and restaurants; the warm glow and welcoming pastel colors; the parks and public spaces; delicious seafood, pastries, espressos, and ever-flowing wine; the small-town, neighborhood friendliness; bustling cafes where families have known the cafe owners for years, no laptops in sight; the endlessly walkable streets that could entice me out of the house at any hour. 

And slowly, I felt the explorer in me come back to life. I could spend an entire Saturday on a long run, taking breaks to read at park-cafes or soak in a viewpoint, without feeling drawn back to my laptop in bed. Living with a few of my teammates again after so long, I started to get comfortable filling my downtime with people and unplanned activities, rather than retreating into isolation for control. I was reminded of how fulfilling it is to work hard alongside people who have your back, make you laugh, and also might happen to be in your living room ready to sit around on the floor and talk endless nonsense. Especially through stressful fundraising weeks and very little sleep, not being alone was crucial. 

We’ve spent the last 2 years navigating remote work across 10 countries and almost 24 hours of timezones. And while we had massive wins, the strain of running key strategic conversations at 1am to include America, Europe, Asia, Africa, and Australia teammates or the losses in productivity as conversations drag from one person’s day to another’s night and back and forth took a serious toll. The spontaneous energy of the company that invigorated me in pre-covid days, began to feel draining and destabilizing to constantly react to in the middle of the night. And my ability to grow and take risks took a backseat. Seemingly, all painpoints led back to timezones and lack of stable location. The two month trial in Lisbon didn’t immediately solve our company location problem, but it was progress compared to the location limbo we’ve been stuck in and a big step towards finally consolidating the team.

As we settle into the new year, I’m so grateful for the experiences these past months that helped me restore my sense of connection to people and to start opening up. I picked up distance running again and feel healthy and strong. I am relearning to enjoy food, and be present in the social aspect of sharing meals. I am reading more than I have in years, relying less on tv as a relief mechanism, and spending active time outside almost every day. On the other hand, there’s still a lot of uncertainty ahead that makes it difficult to gain continuity with relationships, work towards goals, or make plans of any kind. And this weight is still ever-present. So when faced with yet another intermediary Okra move as a substitute for a longer term plan, my first reaction was resistance and anxiety. But once I got my head around the logistics and let the reality sink in, my lagging excitement caught up. A longer term plan is underway in parallel, so in the mean time I’m beginning to embrace this next plot twist and soak in all the opportunities it will bring.

So without further ado, I’m making my first return to Cambodia in two years! I’m filled with a whole range of emotions but ultimately, as we step into the next phase of the company, I’m excited to return to our roots, reconnect with the mission, and revive a headspace of challenge and growth. I missed the chance to say any goodbyes last time, so I’m ready to start with some long overdue hellos instead.

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Photos galore this post!

Firstly a bunch of photos from wandering around Lisbon and trying to capture some of the magic. Our time in Lisbon even included a drastic reentry to in-person conferences at one of the largest tech conferences in the world, Web Summit.

From a couple team adventures outside of Lisbon, complete with stunning views and a lot of appreciation for the memories we made together.

An unexpected but very lovely stay in Berlin with a good friend! Berlin was moody and ominous (and cold) compared to Lisbon but still beautiful in its own right.

Last Euro stop was Belgium (mostly Brussles and a trip to Ghent), with Natasha! Been over 2 years since we had gotten quality time together to explore, cook (and eat/drink), talk endlessly, and generally exist together. No words to describe how good it felt:)

A couple winter wonderland photos from back in Seattle, after we got stuck under snow for a week.

Finally some stunning California views. I spent a lot of time reconnecting with “the wonder of nature” and my love for adventure running as I ran (and even skied) through the mountains, with some great friends by my side. Some highlights include Golden Gate headlands, Mt. Diablo, Mt. St. Helena, and, the biggest treat of all, Yosemite.