Change of Direction

I spent almost all of 2020 feeling stuck, trapped in circumstances that were isolating and stunting. As each day in survival mode went on, my routines, completely uninspiring as they were, became something to steady myself. I acknowledged that I wasn’t expanding myself as much as I’d like professionally and wasn’t launching myself in the directions I wanted to grow into, but the familiarity of my scope of work allowed me to focus, hustle hard, and stay motivated, which in and of itself was something to feel deeply grateful for. However my life circumstances weren’t going to change with the flip of the calendar, so it would be up to me to find a new mindset and start reopening myself up to change.

As last year dragged on, with everyone navigating their own struggles and separation taking its toll, it had become deceivingly comfortable to get lost in the day-to-day. So it was much needed when Affy kickstarted a wave of bigger picture thinking across the company, generating fresh momentum towards taking the company to the next level and also revealing an opportunity for me to redefine my role at Okra to full time product strategy. I’d been stretched between hands-on engineering and higher-level product development for a while now, but as we’ve grown, so has the importance of driving product success with proper attention. We have more directions to choose between, more stakeholder demands to negotiate and prioritize, and more pressure to ensure we’re collectively aligned and motivated on our path forward. The role itself is still evolving, giving me a lot of room to learn, be creative, and step outside my comfort zone, and as I visualized myself in this position, I realized it was exactly the professional growth I was yearning for. 

But making this transition came with some bittersweet emotions. These early years at Okra gave me a chance to show skill, leadership, and quick-thinking in aspects of technology I never imagined being able to hold my own in. Weeks turned into years and I ended up really loving being deep in the trenches- hacking at rapid pace, building solutions, putting out fires, and reeling with adrenaline from every new innovation we cracked. But I always knew this isn’t where I would stay long term. I’ve written before about my identity as an engineer being a complicated one, and I continue to find myself caught between striving to be respected for my engineering capacity without wanting it to completely define me. And despite playing a key role in building our products for years, my confidence as an engineer is still vulnerable. I suddenly feared that by stepping back from building the tech, I’d lose my hard-earned credibility and my engineering contributions would be dismissed. When I took a breath (or several) and found some self-assurance, I realized this was just part of processing my changing identity. The word “engineer” would drop off my business cards, but it will always be part of who I am, in some form or another.

As the new year kicked off, my day-to-day work routine completely changed, swapping out structure for constant ambiguity. It took days of deliberately psyching myself up to build momentum and counteract the dampening effect last year had on my mood. But I was determined not to hold myself back. Each day does take more mental energy, decision making power, and initiative than it used to and my entire concept of productivity is changing. It’s so hard to quantify progress and feels impossible to know if I’m on the right track. But each day also leaves me feeling more grateful and more invested in this new journey, ready to meet these challenges. To my surprise, I even ended up relieved to let go of responsibilities I had held a tight grasp on and see more knowledge and opportunity being shared around as a result. After feeling stuck in such a personal rut for so long, it has been refreshing to focus on something new and work different parts of my brain, even when it feels like every day is an experiment.

A few years ago I was faced with a substantial crossroads and my heart knew that staying with Okra would not only make me happiest, but would offer me the most room to grow. I now feel this validation even more than I already did on a daily basis. In every stage of this company there are new hurdles, new opportunities, and constant changes, all of which are part of the magic that drew us together. And through it all, from the wildest adventures to the toughest setbacks to every day in between, being surrounded by a group of people who are fired up, open to possibility, and eager to learn has been such an invaluable driving force. Nothing fills the void of being separated from the people I love, but filling my head with new challenges and filling my day (digitally) with people who inspire me has brought a piece of me back to life.

---

Unfortunately on the travel / non-work side of things, I’m back in a tight lockdown and don’t have any new photos. Hopefully that changes soon! Title photo is from a trip in Cambodia, several years ago, back when this whole journey was just getting started.