Despite making a path for myself over the past few years and loving that journey immensely, there are occasionally crossroads where something more conventional seems like the right choice. In the midst of being beyond immersed in my work here in Cambodia, I recently put myself in one of these crossroads, and struggled through the resulting emotional roller coaster. On the bright side, approaching such a decision was a golden opportunity to stop and reflect. But on the other hand, it can also be a trap to take in a lot of opinions and potentially lose track of what my own instinct was telling me. And sometimes, it takes surprises, disappointment, or rejection to bring me back to my purpose with renewed enthusiasm.
Over a year ago, I kicked off an intensive process to apply for a program that seemed like an unreal opportunity to network, learn new skills, enter a diverse new community, and gain prestigious credentials that could serve me lifelong. From the beginning, I struggled with the idea of wrapping up life out here, even if temporarily. I planned to still work with Okra as much as time would allow, but the thought of not being continually surrounded by the energy of my team was heartbreaking. Nonetheless, I rationalized that the short term challenges might be outweighed by the long term benefits of such an opportunity. Throughout the journey of the application process, my feelings towards the program oscillated constantly, but even amidst my most excited peaks, something within me continued to feel wrong about leaving.
I progressed to the final admissions stage, far beyond what I imagined, and friends and family were bursting with overwhelming excitement and pride. Even though I knew I was happy with any outcome and never planned to get swept away by the craving for external validation, I became more emotionally invested, and consequently more conflicted, the closer I got. In some strange coincidence, as if to tease out my deepest emotions, the final decision was to be released right in the middle of the most intense, exciting, and inspiring Okra weeks of the year.
In true Okra fashion, our team hackathon and retreat was insanity. With several team members usually working remote, our annual team retreat is truly sacred time that we can all spend together. Life stands still for this week. Every minute is time we want to spend either working, strategizing, or having as much fun as possible. Throw every routine or schedule out the window. The inside jokes are relentless. We cause a lot of ruckus as we move about the city, absolutely entertained by each other. It’s not an easy week, but the result is a surreal adrenaline rush unlike anything else.
Keeping the tradition alive from a year ago, we started the week by stretching our brains thin, working on the tech around the clock, feeding off of each other’s energy, and making ten-fold more progress in those few days than we normally do. And when all energy ran out, we collapsed in heap and picked up again a few hours later. Remote working has gotten easier with online communication tools, but nothing beats the experience of us all working out of the same room, throwing ideas around, taking ping pong breaks, sourcing snacks, and firing up the beats.
The next phase of the retreat was when spoke about the vision, brought up problems, and made sure everyone is on the same page. Despite all our foolishness, these moments of sincere conversation, everyone being honest about sharing values and respecting the team, highlighted how truly lucky we all feel. By this point, we had traveled to a sleepy, riverside town in southern Cambodia, and our intense agenda, completed by the massive whiteboard we travel with, was a stark contrast to the chilled out, bungalow vibe of the rest of the guesthouse. But our seriousness only ever comes in spurts. In between sessions, we impulsively jumped into the river. The co-founders threw each other’s shoes downstream (and I dove in and rescued them). We played bumper-cars in kayaks and went to war splashing each other as competitively as possible. And we generally reveled in the rare circumstance of everyone, from many parts of the world, together at last. On the last night before a few members headed home, we also got exciting news regarding multiple funding sources and generally felt thoroughly inspired, thus beginning the closing celebrations. By this point, it was almost impossible to believe that many of us had only ever spent a handful of days with each other. We were inseparable. And it’s safe to say that by this point, the thought of my leaving was even scarier.
At 3am on this already crazy night in a dramatic reveal in front of everyone, I got the news that I had not received the fellowship component of the program. This scenario meant I would not pursue the program further, and the finite nature of the news hit hard. My team’s reactions, everyone showing support in different flavors, exploded around me and I was instantly overwhelmed with sensation. In my gut, there was a bit of relief. A tough decision had been made for me. In my heart there was the sadness of rejection coupled by love for my team. And in my head there was anxiety around telling friends and family and numbness around dismantling a no-longer-relevant reality I had imagined in great detail. One more emotional extreme to add to the crazy week.
Ultimately, the love from my team and then from all my friends and family gave me validation that was much more meaningful than what I thought I would feel from this admissions process. It took me some time to get peace, but my reflective process ended up giving me a lot of clarity around why I feel so strongly about giving my heart and soul out here. The last time I ended up at this type of junction and got last-minute turned away from a path that was supposedly the perfect next step, I ended up at Okra 1 month later. I’m so grateful to have stayed true to my own process, crafting this life for myself. And I’m even more convinced, after now cycling through every emotion possible, that I wouldn’t trade our extremes, insanity, and constantly dynamic lifestyles for the world. I’ve never felt like I belong within a group or in an environment more than I do now. The culture of learning from each other, processing our lives together, and challenging each other has made me more outspoken, ambitious, and fearless than ever before.
I spent the last year simultaneously falling deeper into an emotional entanglement with Okra while working hard to secure an unlikely but potential path in which I would chose to step away. And as I absorbed the temporarily disappointing news, it became obvious that I was already in the place I am meant to be. I don’t know that I ever imagined this lifestyle for myself- so spontaneous, living by my own rules, and doing almost nothing in moderation. But the way I love our work, believe in our work, am challenged by my work, and want to work incessantly, feels too good to be true. And if I’ve learned nothing else out of this process, I’ve at least learned that my inner sense about what is fulfilling for me, is probably the path I should keep following.
This first block of photos are from a last minute island getaway to Koh Rong. A group of us ended up insisting we could trek through the jungle and across several hours of beach to get to our guesthouse, and the dog swimming in the water in row 2 was our companion the entire journey. The sands were gloriously white, water was turquoise, and it was pretty much paradise. It was a welcome change of pace to slow down and relax, even if for only 48 hours (which might be my relaxation threshold anyways!).
The next group of photos are from the hackathon/retreat! The top 4 are from the office. The first row showcases some hacking candids, and the second row showcases the wonderful pool and lounge area beneath our office. The cover photo is a night time view!
The last 4 are from Kampot. We transition quite well from whiteboard sessions to hamock-lounging. Last but not least, beautiful team photos. From a year ago with 7, this amazing group of 12 has come a long way. Our impromptu photoshoot turned out surprisingly well, with an unintentionally coordinated color palette.
