Belonging

After enduring the loneliness of moving to a new country during strict lockdowns for over a year, I finally started to feel settled in Malaysia. I formed a budding network of friends, made my first apartment feel like a proper home, and was ready for a future there. But earlier this year, visa rules flipped and I had to quickly tear everything down and leave. In a blur, I packed up my life and said my goodbyes. I expected to break down with emotion once I made it onto the plane, but the feeling of disbelief and complete numbness continued. Just 5 days prior I didn’t know when I would visit the US again, and here I was, boarding a flight to Seattle for the first time in over 2 years. 

On normal trips home I’m eager to see everyone and excited to make the most out of every minute. It’s usually a whirlwind experience to spend time with family in Seattle and then travel around visiting my friends. But this time was different. I was undoubtedly looking forward to seeing loved ones I hadn’t seen in years, but I was also overwhelmed. I barely wanted to message anyone to tell them I was back, because saying it out loud made it real. It was as if I left a part of me overseas and was lost, or somehow less myself, without it. Settling back into my childhood environment, I was both removed from the life I had built these past years and disconnected from life back home. To top it off, timezones didn’t do me any favors and I kicked off a routine of working in the evenings and nights, isolating me even more from life around me.

Slowly I ended up getting to see a couple loved ones at home and traveled to see a few more. My emotions still felt dampened, a side-effect of the last couple years, but I tried to focus on the present and take in the moment, savoring time with friends and family I rarely see. Outside of these moments however, I spent the vast majority of my time alone in my childhood bedroom, leaning on work as an escape at all odd hours of the day/night. I became hyper aware of how much I was reliant on other people to make me feel included and to let me tag along in their lives. And this imbalance was the perfect fuel for anxiety and insecurity. Everywhere I looked people had their established communities and relationships. And while I love having people I care about all over the world, I felt jaded not even knowing what country I live in and where to start building a community and support system around me again. Until I have these answers, it’s like my personal life is on pause, a sense of belonging out of reach.

I somehow adjusted to taking and running meetings at 2am, but the emotional toll kept building. I retreated further and further into myself until I knew I needed to try something different. But I was reluctant to make any big changes unless there was promise of a future plan. After working hard to build my network from scratch in Malaysia only to have to walk away, I was exhausted by the thought of starting over, especially if it could be yanked away or plans could shift at any second. Unfortunately, a long-term geographical plan and clear timeline is still unrealistic for Okra, as we have to wait until covid visa policies settle in Asia/Australia. As an interim, Portugal surfaced as a viable location to bring some of the team together, but surprisingly my initial gut reaction was incredibly reluctant, a symptom of my mental state and the walls I’ve put up. Yes the timezone would still be a challenge for me, but other than that it would be a good chance to collaborate with other parts of the company and further develop the range of my role. And maybe most importantly, it would mean having fun and being surrounded by the positive energy and enthusiasm of my team, something that I’ve probably needed for a long time but convinced myself I was “fine” without. 

So in the days leading up to leaving, despite some lingering anxieties, I’m focusing on the highs I’ve experienced in the past when embracing a new adventure. I’ll welcome the momentum of my team to give me a jump start, and I’m hopeful my emotions will catch up and I’ll be ready for better days ahead, even if only planned one month at a time. An extended visit to Lisbon is not a replacement for the longer term move I was ready for when I moved to Malaysia and doesn’t address my big picture questions or fill all the gaps I’m feeling, but I will have to be patient. And in the mean time, this will be a chance to reconnect with the journey I’ve chosen and the life I am happiest living.

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This trip back wasn’t on my preferred terms and I certainly wasn’t my best self, but my time at home still allowed me to create some new memories with some very special people. Even when there wasn’t anything to say or do that could resolve how I’ve been feeling, I’m grateful for each person who made time for me and made me feel loved. 

For the first time, I got to spend time in the beautiful nature of the Pacific Northwest from glaciers to crystal clear lakes, mountains, and rich greenery.

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The rest of the photos are from my adventures through Northern California! I’m never as thorough in documenting my adventures when I’m in the US, so these photos are not exhaustive but they capture some moments near Yosemite, in Pacifica, roaming through SF, and a beautiful coast drive down Highway 101.

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